Big Green Conspiracy

It was kin to an act of god, and as devastating as the winning horse you bet your life savings on falling at the last hurdle. Just as the final preparations were being made to this years revered Big Green Gathering, it was unexpectedly shut down. But this was no divine intervention that brought this train crashing to a halt just feet from the station, no this was a force much more sinister.

The official statement from the Mendip District Council urged the 15, 000 strong army of ravers to stay away from the festival site as it had been forced to shut down over concerns over public safety, crime and disorder, and inadequate security and road management around the site. What this really meant was the landowners got slammed with an injunction due to take place 3 days before the festival, essentially all over the late submission of a road closure form. This was despite the fact the festival had already been granted licence at the end of June.

Since the new licensing act of 2005 festival organisers have had their balls squeezed until they were purple, by a freaked out, and power hungry government, intent on doing to every festival what they did to Glastonbury. Now every member of security has to be individually licensed, which means most of them are either ex-cops or jumped up, wannabe cops with their tongues firmly in their fellow officer's cheeks.

So after it was released Monday morning, after a hoard of excited hippies woke up to devastating news over their soy-on-rye breakfast and copies of the Guardian, the police were ready for the entourage that would be sure to follow, come Wednesday. Road blocks were set up around the festival site and the police have nicely staked themselves out to wait for brightly coloured backpackers, probably side-by-side by the same corrupt bastards that cashed their cheques for working security at the festival.

Rumours are going round that the Freemasons are behind this. That the festival organisers were visited by Satan in a George Bush mask in the night and told to stop the festival. Followed closely I expect, by a small pug with the face of Hilary Clinton. I bet if you go up to Cheddar at night and listen hard, you can still hear the bastards laughing in the trees.

The finger was further pointed by the Climate Camp group (demonstrators at the g20 summit) accusing the government of applying political pressure to stop the festival as it would increase funding and support for these environmental activists. They maintain that the government are running scared of growing dissent and are cracking down on all environmental protest. Remember this was once one of our civil liberties?

The bottom line of this is that Big Green now has to pick up the very large cheque, which has mostly been cashed now, while the government have schemed for weeks about pulling the plug and running with their profits. If I were the organisers I would be leading that mob on Wednesday shaking the fist that had been bitten firmly in the air. Whether this was a credit-crunching little earner for the government, or a more sinister, illuminated plot to crush the last of the resistant spirit in this country, one thing remains certain, those greedy bastards have once again wet their beaks and shat all over the smiling faces of the British public. We salute you!